Fathers and Sons
by Wedjatqi
Summary: Follow up to 'Ninety Nine Point Eight Percent' fic. John deals with the revelation about Torren. JT


**Disclaimers**: I own no part of the Stargate world, I make no money from this endeavour. I only love this world so much I wish to play in it.

**Summary:** Follow up to my fic '99.8%'. As if I wouldn't write John's response to the revelation! Please people! You know I can't give just half the answers…

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Torren sat on the mat, totally engrossed in his new toy. The large plastic key ring had various sized 'keys', in various bright colours and textures, and Torren was totally absorbed in studying each one in turn. His little dark eyes were wide, focused and completely unaware of the dramatic changes to his life around him. One of the large plastic keys had a mirrored surface, and the light from above reflected off the shiny plastic shining over Torren's face, making him smile.

John watched his son in silence.

He had bought the toy for Torren weeks ago, but it had only just arrived with the Daedalus yesterday. He remembered that he had chosen the toy from one of those early learning catalogues that was floating around the city. It and the other presents he had bought for Torren over the last ten months since his birth, had felt a big deal to John. In his mind, he had still rebelled against the fact that Torren was Teyla's. Throughout her pregnancy he had worked to understand, to ignore, and to not hate himself too much. He hadn't wanted to extend that onto the kid. A kid that had turned out to be his.

Everything felt backward and confusing. He had finally gotten to a point where he had been able to forget what had happened that one night with Teyla, to stop berating himself for the choice he had made afterwards. That he had pushed her into Kanaan's arms. Then she had gotten pregnant and he hadn't realised until that point that he hadn't been as sure in that decision he had made.

He could still see her in his mind, that morning afterwards. That look of hurt, only just visible behind her forced look of understanding at his reasoning. He cringed at his remembered stuttered words to her, saying that he shouldn't have let things go so far, that he wasn't the right guy for her and that she deserved someone better. She had told him that he was a worthy man, that he should think more of himself, and that he should not hide himself away. She hadn't said the word that had hovered in the air, as she had looked at him over her bare shoulder as she pulled on her clothes. He had felt the word though, and that had terrified him more than anything else, so he had made it clear that he wasn't what she needed, what she deserved, and that his life was dedicated to his work.

And so she had done what he had wanted – she had moved on. She had spent more time with her people during her off hours, and he had thought she had simply been avoiding him, but clearly she had moved on. Onto Kanaan.

When she had announced her surprise pregnancy months later, he had hated himself for the anger and sense of betrayal he had felt. He had hidden it behind the anger he had felt for her hiding her pregnancy, but the truth was that he had felt something break inside. Of all the women he had ever met, she had been the closest woman he could actually imagine himself committing to, but he hadn't wanted to, hadn't wanted to offer that part of himself. That fear of breaking things, of being such a coward, had turned back on him and broken him anyway.

He had tried though, tried to get on with things, but that wall had appeared between him and Teyla. He had tried to be pleased for her, and help her get back her lost lover, because then perhaps she could have her little family and be happy. She would have what she deserved.

Then Torren had been born and Kanaan returned, and she had had that little family he had wanted for her. He had held little Torren and had tried to totally ignore the little ache in his heart that had wished the baby could have been his. That she had then named Torren in part after him, had been something of an olive branch, passed through a crack in that wall between them, and her acknowledgement of what he had risked to save her and Torren.

He had been happy enough with that. She had been happy, Torren healthy and Kanaan with her. As long as John didn't spend more than two seconds with the Athosian man, he was okay. In some ways, the still lingering pain had helped, because it reminded him that he had been right – Kanaan was what Teyla needed, even if some rebellious part of him still regretted what he had done.

Now…everything had changed.

Torren dropped his new toy, giggling at the noise, and grasped the toy again. He lifted it, shaking it as he looked round and up at John. Torren grinned as he stretched his arm towards John. John reached for the offered toy, smiling at the boy.

"This for me?" He asked as he took the toy.

Torren grinned as he let go of it, his tiny little teeth just visible. John noticed there was another new tooth in that smile now, and he wondered when that had appeared. He had seen Torren almost everyday since he had been born, even if it was just in passing. John babysat occasionally, usually with Ronon or Carson around as well, so it wasn't as if he was a stranger to Torren, but suddenly John felt very much a stranger to his son. He didn't know anything about him really, other than his favourite foods eaten during the team meals together. He had never changed a nappy, never given Torren a bath – the usual things Dads did for their baby kids. Except for men like his own father. The reminder was sharp and far too close to the surface for John's comfort.

Torren's interest had moved onto the colourful blocks and he began stacking them up. John looked down at the plastic key ring in his hand, the keys slightly damp from Torren's dribbling. The mirror key reflected light up over John's face, and he saw the blurred unclear image of his face reflected in it. He rubbed his thumb over its surface, trying to clear the image, but it remained fogged. He glanced at Torren, seeing the dampness to Torren's chin. He shifted down off the chair to sit on the floor next to Torren's mat, reaching for the soft towel bib around the boy's neck, and wiped the damp chin dry. Torren ignored the touch, so usual for him, as he kept on stacking his blocks. John let the towel bib drop and sat back again.

He had a son.

It changed everything.

It felt as if his life was rocking on its axis – his career, his everyday duties, his future.

Torren's stack of blocks collapsed and Torren made a grumbling noise of annoyance as he reached for the blocks. John reached out and ran his hand down the boy's back, a simple touch of comfort that he had seen Teyla use so often when Torren grew grumpy. Torren shifted forward, reaching for the blocks and grumbled as one fell free from his grasp. John watched the boy frown as he assessed how best to get what he wanted, and after a brief pause, Torren looked away from the blocks. Surprised at the decision Torren had made, John found himself looking down into Torren's eyes. The boy shifted in his seat, turning on his nappy enlarged pants to face John. He looked unhappy for some reason, so John held out the new toy again. Torren looked down at it, looking vaguely interested, but looked back up at John, that little frown there again. John wondered if he was tired.

Torren grumbled again, glancing around, as if he only now realised that he didn't know this room very well. Torren had been in John's quarters before, but not for a while, and clearly the boy didn't remember them. He turned in his seat, looking up at the narrow windows in one wall, the frown still in place.

"You alright, Buddy?" John said softly shaking the new toy.

Torren looked back round at the sound, but his eyes were even wider and nervous. Maybe he was missing his Mom…or maybe his Dad. No, Kanaan wasn't really Torren's dad. Though, John knew, Kanaan had been the father for ten months. In the ways that really counted, Kanaan had been Torren's Dad, and John had been like a peripheral uncle, helping out occasionally, dropping in the occasion gift. John's childhood had been filled with relatives like that. People he didn't really know, who sent a card for his birthday or Christmas, but otherwise hadn't really been a part of his life.

And his own father. Not a 'Dad' really. John's father had been almost as absent as those relatives, but where they had been kindly interested, when his father had taken interest in him or Dave, it had been with absolute authority. When he had entered into their lives, it had been like a bull tearing into a china factory. John had never tolerated bullies, whether they were teachers, other kids, officers, his father, or Wraith. It was almost as if his entire life had been fighting back against that 'bull' of a father. John had resisted and fought back, and he had dedicated his life to stopping other 'bullies', in whatever form they came. He had to wonder – had be become like that _because_ of his father, or had that always been his nature? Maybe it was somewhere in between – a natural inclination that his father had actually fostered, though he had tried to squash John's resistance. As much as John hated to admit it, his father had helped shape his life, as all fathers and mothers did for their kids. And so he would too shape Torren's life, in whatever he did. If he didn't involve himself much in Torren's life that would have an impact on Torren just as much as if John was there every day. That absolute undeniable fact was what chilled John through. He couldn't really choose a safer path here – whatever he did would affect his son. He had to decide what was best for Torren.

Part of him thought that Kanaan would probably be the better father here, after all he had been living under the belief that he was Torren's father. Teyla must have told Kanaan the truth by now and John actually felt rather sorry for the both of them. Teyla hadn't realised, a twist of fate and timing, and Kanaan was going to get some painful news. John had never been a fan of Kanaan, though oddly he had been Kanaan's side without realising it. He had wanted Teyla to have the Athosian family life, but instead he had actually kind of created a family for himself.

Torren set his hands down on the mat and pulled himself up onto his hands and knees and crawled the foot or so between them, to sit again, now against John's knee. John settled his hand on Torren's back and jiggled the key ring with his other hand. Torren reached for the toy, but leant against John, making John's chest ache just a little bit.

Kanaan had sat with Torren practically every night, held him through the crying, the colds and the babysitting duties when Teyla was off world or on duty. Kanaan had probably perfected all the 'Dad' duties, and was perfect at it all, whilst John was feeling nervous as Torren was still looking sad. He rubbed Torren's back, trying to reassure him, but already he could see Torren's lower lip pouting which meant that he was going to start crying. It wasn't like John hadn't had to deal with Torren crying before, but this felt different. He was by himself and he was now 'The Dad'.

He was a military man, a flyboy and a risk-taker. He hadn't believed he had been right for Teyla, so how was he supposed to be right for Torren?

Torren whimpered, glancing around worriedly again.

"It's okay," John offered weakly. "You're missing your Mom, huh? She's probably better at looking after you than me."

Torren glanced up at him, one tiny hand against John's knee. The lower lip was wobbling now and Torren's expression was painfully anxious. John dropped the key ring and reached for the boy, lifting him up.

"Hey, no need to cry, Buddy," he said as he settled Torren's weight in one arm. Torren leant into him, tucking his face against John's shoulder. John rubbed Torren's back, as inside him the emotions stirred. He tried to resist them, tried to hold them back, but he was holding his son. He had a son. He tucked his arm tighter around Torren, cuddling him closer, and inside the small ache grew into something much larger, becoming far more painful, yet at the same time, far stronger than ever before.

He rubbed Torren's back, unsure now who he was actually comforting. Not one given to displays of affection, it was surprisingly easy to comfort Torren. He stood up and began walking around his quarters, whispering to Torren, telling him everything would be alright. Torren's cheek remained pressed against his shoulder, his fast near tearful breaths slowing. John showed him one of his model fighter jets, lifting one for the boy to see, and a curious little hand stretched out. John watched as Torren fingered the wings of the fighter, and he had a vivid memory of being young, staring up at the toy planes, fighters, and choppers, that had hung from his bedroom ceiling. His father hadn't approved of the display and they had been taken down to be put on the side "neatly".

"You like that, huh?" John asked. "How about this one?" He asked, picking up another model. Torren handled this one, but reached back for the first fighter. "Prefer this one, huh? Well, you should, it's an F-22 Raptor," he told his son with a smile. "They're great to fly, not as great as a Jumper. You've been in a Jumper, right?" He asked Torren who looked up like he recognised the word. "You'll be able to fly one of those when you're older," John informed him. He paused at that thought. Now, he knew Torren had his Ancient gene, he would be able to teach Torren how to fly a Jumper. That thought gave him a burst of excitement – he would _love_ to teach Torren that. "Course, you're gonna have to be a lot older," he told Torren. "But, we could sneak in some practice early on when no one's looking."

Torren reached for the Raptor again and John's mind wandered. He could take Torren to an air display show back on Earth – what kid wouldn't like that? Maybe make a day of it, visit an aviation museum, Torren could see and touch the aircraft on display there. They would seem massive to the kid, as John remembered visiting such places when he was young. It would be nice to go back himself.

"Would you like that?" John asked as he set the model back down and began wandering around his quarters again. "We could visit the dinosaur museum as well. That's a cool place, though maybe a bit scary for you right now."

Ideas began to flow, things they could do together. He had been planning to each Torren how to skate, hoping to persuade Teyla by the time Torren was old enough, but now John was Dad he had a full say. When Torren was older they could go surfing together, play football. He could teach Torren all about Earth, they could visit so many places back home. Earth was Torren's home as much as with the Athosians, and John desperately wanted to make sure Torren got to experience Earth culture properly. It would be a lot of fun. He remembered those first few years when he had taught Teyla everything about Earth - he had loved sharing that with her.

That thought dulled his excitement slightly. Teyla. She had seemed calm and collected in the Infirmary, actually apologising to him for having been mistaken about Torren's father. John understood. They had shared only one night together, had used protection, but clearly they hadn't been as careful as he thought. She said she had had a period after that, and then she had started dating Kanaan, so he understood. It didn't make any of it easier, but he didn't blame her. If anything, this was his fault. He shouldn't have had the extra beer that night, shouldn't have sat with her so long into the night, knowing that she had had an extra beer as well. Everyone else had gone to bed, and they had stayed sitting out on one of the piers under the stars, remembering Carson and all the others who had been lost. A kiss had become many and the rest of the night had been a haze of erotic moments that he had forced himself not to recall since.

He hadn't been entirely successful, but he was skilled at ignoring things, at focusing on his work over anything else. His hours off duty were spent sparring with Ronon or teasing Rodney, and somehow he had pretended to himself that that night with her hadn't been as significant as it had felt. Except now, the proof of that fact was settled against John's shoulder. Torren's breathing was slower, his little cheek against John as he drifted to sleep. John kept moving around his quarters, rocking slightly as he walked, not sure if it actually made Torren any more comfortable as he slept, but it felt right.

Torren felt right. Torren was his son and there was no escaping that fact and, as John gently rocked his boy in his arms, he realised that he really didn't want to escape from this. He had cared for Torren anyway, being a part of their lives and a part of Teyla, but now…there was someone John could really care for without risk, who really needed him. John wasn't going to let Torren down. He was going to be the best Dad he could be.

He might have pushed Teyla away into Kanaan's arms, but he wasn't going to do that with his son. John was going to insist that he get as much time with Torren as he could. He wanted to be there to help Torren with learning to walk and talk, teaching him about Atlantis, Earth, and the world at large. There were a lot of scary things out there, and John was going to do his damnest to make sure that he protected Torren from it all. He just hoped that he didn't turn out to be as much of a disappointment to Torren as he had been to his father.

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END


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